mockumentary Archives

What happens when a poltergeist that eats charcuterie suddenly manifests on Meatless Monday? We asked ourselves the same question, and created a shocking documentary that explores the metaphysical nature of ghosts, summoning, and prosciutto.

(This video, Scare-cuterie!, is the second in our short ghostly film series, and certainly not the last! Here are some behind-the-scenes tidbits from making this short film, and what actually happened to that meat-eating poltergeist.)

But first, here is the video Scare-cuterie!:

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A poltergeist that eats charcuterie

I know what you’re thinking. Where the hell did this idea come from? I’m not really sure either. These things usually come to me in a burst of inspiration while I’m shaving my legs. But, I think it has something to do with a charcuterie party a friend of mine held that I wasn’t able to attend due to illness. I was as bummed as a poltergeist that eats charcuterie but has to settle for kale.

(The funny thing is, once you start thinking of charcuterie, it comes up in conversation everywhere! It’s like considering buying a Nissan Leaf, and then everywhere you turn it’s Leaf Leaf Leaf. But I digress).

Can a poltergeist that eats even exist?

Diana and I are of the mindset that, in real life, ghosts cannot eat charcuterie, kale, or even mustard. They usually just try to eat your soul or your sanity. If they’re the bad kind.

The good kind eats chocolate and kittens.

How did this video even get made?

Oh, I’m so glad you asked! As you can tell from the watching, it was created using the highest-quality camera equipment (smart phones we had lying around), edited with professional software (and by professional, we mean “free”) and with sound design that would make the Lion King creators weep (with pity). But what we lack in technology and know-how we make up for with grit and our I’m-gonna-fucking-do-this-crazy-thing-no-matter-what attitude.

Was any real meat used in the filming of this video?

Absolutely! We’re too poor to invest in fake meat. The ham on a stick was Diana’s idea, and that was the most expensive meat purchase that went into this fine piece of cinematography. Did you know you can buy almost-expired meat for dirt cheap? That ham cost next to nothing.

poltergeist that eats ham on a stick. — Becky’s daughter filmed the scene with the ghost walking out the door, ham-on-stick in hand.

Did Becky’s cat really help with the Ouija board?

Absolutely. That little imp is always talking to the dead while I’m not looking. She may not have opposable thumbs, but she can scoot that planchette around like a champ.

Becky's cat, Ripley, aids in summoning a poltergeist that eats charcuterie — Becky’s cat, Ripley, aids in summoning a poltergeist that eats charcuterie

What did the spouses think of this whole craziness?

Oh, they were in it! We sat them down, gave them the script, and watched with sharpened knives as they hurriedly recited their lines. My husband, in particular though, was a little upset about how the meat was treated.

metaphysical nature of ghosts — A text from Becky’s husband after discovering the ham on a stick, discarded like a lost shoe.

Where did the footage for Lettuce Scare You and Meat Your Doom come from?

We scoured through decades of microfiche to find these rare, lost-to-time photos. We think they may have come from another planet, maybe even another galaxy.

What eventually happened to Scare-Cuterie?

That is a mystery for the ages, isn’t it? We have reason to believe, however, that he developed a taste for shellfish and is floating around the Jersey City Red Lobster.

Are more videos like this coming?

Absolutely! Stay tuned for next week’s video about a haunted Theremin. Until then, have a spooky day!