What is the Toilet Monster?

We’ve explained why bathrooms are haunted, published stories about shapeshifters that emerge from drains, and even found portals in multiple bathrooms. Since we’ve got so much toilet content anyway, it seems like a decent time to address the elephant in the room…or the alligator in the sewer, as it were, and finally talk about the monster that stalked Becky through her rural childhood.

The Monster in the Toilet Tormented Me as a Child

From a young age, my parents told the tale of woe of all the little children who sat on the commode for longer than their allotted 1.35 minutes. They warned me how my bare ass would be a tantalizing treat for the evil toilet monster, who somehow exists in every rural home.

Not an urban legend, but a rural one

In my adult years, I have met few others whose parents also scared them into spending less time on the toilet. But one thing all of us who heard these monster tales shared: we grew up in rural areas of Appalachia. I’m sure other areas of the world have beasts similar to the monster in my toilet of yore: you might could equate the toilet monster with the toilet snakes in Florida, the sewer gators in New York.

What Does The Toilet Monster Look Like?

Different from these more plausible creatures, the toilet monster does not have a specific form or shape. His color, his teeth, his number of eyes, are all left to the wilds of the child’s imagination. You might call the toilet monster a a one-size-fits-all nightmare.

We made this documentary video to help you visualize the unspeakable horrors that lurk below. You’re welcome!

Where Does the Toilet Monster Come From?

The toilet monster lives in your septic tank. If you’re on a sewer or use an outhouse, you may not have to worry as much about this particular cryptid. (You probably contend with other creatures.)

When anyone in the household squats down to use the facilities, they unknowingly lure the toilet monster out of his stinky cave and up through the pipes. Everyone who takes the risk of using an indoor toilet must finish their business quickly before the toilet monster can make his way to the surface.

How Does the Toilet Monster Attack?

If you are having a particularly bad day digestive-wise, or if you decide to use the throne as a library seat, this despicable plumbing-savvy monster rises from the murky water to do unspeakable things to your derriere. And, as my parents described to me in great details, once you’re in the clutches of the toilet monster, there’s no escape. He reaches straight up through the toilet seat and grabs you in your most vulnerable areas (I imagine quite like a bowling ball) and pulls you down into the toilet.

Where does it take you?

Stuck in the toilet monster’s clenches, you’re wrenched through the pipes, special delivery, into the septic tank. There, you scrabble for purchase in the slippery, dark depths. You scream, but no one can hear you. It’s too late. You’re fated to die a grotesque death on the fumes of your family’s farts.

Sewer Monsters From Antiquity

Apparently, the 2nd century book Aelian’s “On the Characteristics of Animals” contained the first known written account of a toilet monster. In that case it was an Octopus, but what else would you expect a rampaging animal from an ancient Greek sewer to be? I’m just glad to know my family wasn’t the first.

Is the Toilet Monster Real?

The answer to that question depends on your definition of “monster.” It may interest you to know that there are indeed real dangerous animals that can indeed come up out of your toilet and getcha. How fun!

A real toilet monster…snake?

Listen to this funny podcast episode, where I challenge my friends with this awesome quiz on the top three most dangerous animals that people actually find when they lift the toilet lid. I’m not sure how a monster snake of that size fits in the u-bend, but given the snake-to-seat distance, I’m learning to pee standing up.

Is the Toilet Monster a Hoax?

You’re probably thinking of the time one man convinced the entire world that there were alligators in the NYC sewer system. This awesome monster prank has even been commemorated in a bronze statue.

Speaking of an awesome monster prank…

If you wanted to perpetrate your own awesome monster prank, I suppose you could use suction cups to attach a fake pop-up monster to the toilet seat to scare your friends. Believe it or not, there’s a product for that. After all, who doesn’t love a good laugh at the expense of their friends’ lifelong trauma? Have fun pranking friends, you heartless monster.

Effect of the toilet monster on adulthood

To this day, I am quick on the commode. A small tickle in the back of my brain still warns me if more than 80 seconds have passed while I’m engaging in fecal transfer. When my friends spend too much time in the throne room, I get antsy. Don’t they know how they’re toying with their own fates?

Have You Ever Heard of the Toilet Monster Before?

So, in case you did not grow up under the advisement of sadistic parents, you now are aware. Tell your friends about the monster in my toilet, who might very well be in yours. Be warned, be safe, and most of all, poop quickly.